On Friday, I wanted to show up … well, mean. Mad. Not with anyone I know, mind you. But out in public. At the grocery store, at the gym. I relaxed into a scowl that didn’t move. Especially toward those who I suspected voted against the rights of my loved ones.

Today, I was in a different place. For one thing, scowling all the time was kinda making my face hurt. And it was too difficult to turn it off and on between people. I might as well go back to my normal somewhat pleasant look. So I did.

And a young woman asked me how to use a machine at the gym and was grateful for my assistance. She was followed by an older gentleman who had a question about the sports socks (okay, OKAY … compression stockings) I was wearing. At the doctor’s office, a receptionist came out to ask me questions about styling curly hair.

No one I knew. Just pleasant people. And a diverse group, too.

I was reminded of what I do not want to be, and how I do not want to show up: resentful, distrustful, unfriendly.

But it’s hard, and I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. My heart is broken that hateful statements about immigrants, women, transfolk and more were not only tolerated, they were condoned, even affirmed, by so many people.

And, let’s be honest. I’m worried. Terribly worried, about what is to come. And so I have been angry at those who would put me, and people I care about, into this position of being afraid for what is to come. (I know … not very self-differentiated!)

We are in complex times, and I won’t minimize the very real concerns we have for our country and the people in it. And I’m not promising that I will go around with a smile shellacked to my face.

But I am committing myself to be softer, to move through my day without assuming the worst of everyone whose path I cross. To open my heart to the stranger. To listen first. And to be helpful where I can, even if it’s just talking to people about exercise, socks, and curls.