Pardon Me!

Pardon Me!
Rev. Kathleen Ellis
Live Oak Unitarian Universalist Church
October 1, 2006

In Wally Lamb's book She's Come Undone, Dolores Price is one messed up kid. Her father's departure from the family;
her mother's nervous breakdown and hospitalization;
life with her grandmother;
a rape by a neighbor;
her mother's death when a truck hit her at a toll booth,
and accumulated anger and depression
led to four of Dolores' own years in a psychiatric institution,
then three years as an outpatient while she lived in a half-way house.

Dolores made a new start at age 25, but her new life was based on lies. When the new life fell apart, once again she “came undone.” Her grandmother died, she went back to that house for the first time in years, and began to revisit and confront the ghosts from her past.

When she understood and then revealed the truth of her life, her marriage of four years rapidly fell apart. It's easy to understand, then, why she mistrusted the friendship and love of another man by the name of Thayer. Dolores no longer believed in happy endings. Thayer protested that he didn't promise a fairy tale “happily ever after.” In his words, he promised “happily-maybe-sometimes-ever-after. Sort of. You know, with warts and [all].”

Still, Dolores could not say yes to marriage, although she longed for love and a family. Meanwhile, she developed an adult friendship with Mr. Fabio Pucci, her former High School counselor whose partner had died of AIDS. Mr. Pucci himself now was dying in 1987. He observed that you can never know about people.

His own mother, who had accepted his partner for the nineteen years they were together, totally shunned the partner in his death. In contrast, the school custodian had been openly hostile for the entire 19 years, but when he found out Fabio had AIDS, he brought him a chocolate milkshake every Sunday until he died.

Mr. Pucci counseled Dolores once more from his hospital bed. He urged her to marry Thayer. “Accept what people offer,” he said. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love.”

And as Dolores wrote in her journal, “Love is like breathing. You take it in and let it out.”

I believe forgiveness is like that as well. Take it in and let it out. We all need forgiveness and we all owe forgiveness to each other and to the world.

Why forgive? It's not fair that we were hurt, but forgiveness is not about fairness. It's not about continuing the relationship as though nothing has come between you. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, nor is it the same as trusting. You do not necessarily have to return to an active relationship with someone you have hurt or who has hurt you. Trust can only build over time, and only through experience.

Forgiveness is about you, letting go of the past, taking charge of the present, protecting yourself from further harm, and making a better future for yourself. It really doesn't matter if the person deserves forgiveness. The gift you give yourself is the ability to move on in spite of the betrayal.

Consider the following religious teachings:

“All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness . . . the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.” --The Dalai Lama

“The Day of Atonement atones for sins against God, not for sins against other people, until the injured parties have been appeased.”
--Mishna, Yoma 8.9 (Judaism)

“If you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
--Matthew 5.23-24 (Christianity)

“He who treads the Path in earnest
sees not the mistakes of the world;
If we find fault with others
We ourselves are also in the wrong.
When other people are in the wrong, we should ignore it,
For it is wrong for us to find fault.
By getting rid of this habit of fault-finding
We cut off a source of defilement.
When neither hatred nor love disturb our mind
Serenely we sleep.”
--Sutra of Hui Neng 2 (Buddhism)

Part of my vacation was spent in Twin Lakes, Colorado, between Aspen and Leadville, at about 9200 feet in elevation. The lodge was surrounded by extraordinary colors:

o snow
o black rock
o outstanding fall color of aspen groves on the mountainsides-brilliant yellow and orange among the green fir and spruce forests
o sky-blue, or misting, snowing, or foggy friends
o music-the live music capital of Colorado-some Austin visitors and a few local talents
o hiking-among the aspens, to the ghost town of Interlaken, that is under restoration, and to a place where an avalanche had carved out a channel down the mountain
o coffee, way too much coffee
o a variety of dogs, both resident and passing through

restoration of spirit
o time alone
o time together
o natural beauty
o clean air
o disconnection

Vacation reading included The Sacred Art of Forgiveness: Forgiving Ourselves and Others through God's Grace, written by Marcia Ford. She had been to that area of Colorado, too. Not far away from Twin Lakes is Pike's Peak, rising 14,110 feet above sea level. In the mountain-climbing world, it's known as one of Colorado's “14ers.” From the top of Pike's Peak, Katherine Lee Bates was inspired to write the poem that would be set to music as “America the Beautiful.”

From a mountaintop, you can witness the sun shining or the snow falling on every portion of the mountains and valleys. Imagine that perspective next time you sing, “God shed his grace on thee.” Grace falls on all of us, whether or not we deserve it or even think about it, and you can see that more clearly from a distance, way above the valley below.

When a loved one really messes up, think of that mountaintop view and think about our common human frailty. Sometimes you can show forgiveness with an unexpected act of kindness. That, too, is an expression of the grace we have received and in turn use to bless our relationships.

It gets harder to maintain perspective when you think an anonymous entity like the government is the source of wrongdoing. Jon Montgomery remembers when he and a friend were traveling in Europe after Kennedy was assassinated. Some nice elderly ladies asked them where they were from. When they said, “Texas,” the women started hitting them with their handbags! “You killed Kennedy!” they cried. The guys learned to say they were from Oklahoma for the duration of the trip.

Governments and even the Pope have been called upon to ask forgiveness for moral lapses in generations past. How is it possible to get past the genocide of native peoples and the racism that lingers from decades of slavery? The phrase “never again,” following the Holocaust, rings hollow when we see that genocide keeps happening in various parts of the world. We are like swimmers in a goldfish bowl, unable to see how we are all immersed in our own troubled waters.

On a more manageable scale, every organization can expect to experience disagreement at some point. Forgiveness is needed among groups of people during and after conflict. Here are some of the factors I have seen and sometimes practiced in my weaker moments:

o unkindness
o manipulation
o self-righteousness
o a clash of personality traits
o tradition bumping against change
o different leadership styles
o excessive pride
o triangulation-talking about instead of to someone
o entrenched positions

Live Oak has been teaching our members that there is a process toward reconciliation. There is no question that communication, the source of much misunderstanding, is also the first step toward understanding when we learn to listen as well as speak, heart to heart. It begins by speaking directly to the person who has hurt you, with or without a mediator, and listening to the truth in what is said.

You and I didn't grow up together, so we have no way to know each other's experience, different ways of communicating, basic assumptions. We love this church in a multitude of ways, and sometimes we have different ideas about the best course of action. But let us be kind to one another as we muddle through the messiness of conflicting ideas until we're on the same higher plane. Our passion is a gift that will result in great things.

I mentioned that you and I didn't grow up together, but forgiveness of family is perhaps the hardest of all. Though I can love the positive traits of my family members who died, their legacy also includes ways in which we struggled during their lifetime.

I have had to forgive my brother, for his mental illness over which he had no control on his own. As a mother, I experienced fear for our own children when my brother would leave the hospital. I was also worried about his own safety and welfare.

I had to forgive my sister Jean, for pushing us away while she was dying and making it so hard to care for her. Perhaps she also had to forgive us for trying so hard.

I have had to forgive my mother, for not protecting us from our father's abuse. Did she know the whole story? How could she not? Yet we kids were the ones who believed we had to protect her.
Then I had to forgive my father, for never having said he was sorry. We were afraid of him, afraid that we might have to take care of him, afraid that he would ask our forgiveness.

Techniques I learned in therapy included speaking to an empty chair as though I were having a heart to heart talk with them. I got a lot off my chest, learned to express my point of view, and also learned to see a few things from their perspectives. Letters and drawings also allowed expression of some repressed feelings.

Forgiveness is a tender part of love. I find that I need Jon's indulgence, his forgiveness, for my weaknesses and occasional moodiness. We irritate each other sometimes, but we like to say, “Remember, this is an endearing trait.”

Self-forgiveness can be even more difficult, because it's hard to accept that we are just human after all. Perfectionism, obsessions, indulgences, failures, and regrets. Psychology professor Lewis Smedes says we need to forgive ourselves because otherwise “we are ripped apart inside, and forgiving ourselves is the only way we heal the split.”

Self-forgiveness shouldn't be too easy. If we really do harm to someone, we need to apologize and make amends wherever possible. Then, even if they never forgive us themselves, we have to forgive ourselves in the knowledge that we did all we could to make it right and we'll find another way to make mistakes in the future. We might even need to say goodbye to that relationship because of the error of our ways.

We are more human than otherwise. During this month of Ramadan and as we approach the Day of Atonement beginning at sundown, may we all make amends with those whom we have hurt. May we begin again in love.

Meditation: “Hurt to the Bone,” by Wayne Walder, Neighbourhood UU Congregation, Toronto, Ontario

We have been hurt in our lives-All of us, all of us.

Sometimes,
the hurt is deep, to the bone
betrayal, confusion, or greed

There are pains we do not expect
pain we sometimes do not deserve
We react with anger and resentment
We respond with fear, and wonder if we will ever trust again. When we have been betrayed, when we have been disappointed
we cover our pain with sadness and anger-

an eye for an eye, we've been told-
we've all considered revenge
We can all be angry and fearful;
these feelings last long after we can do anything about them

With the passing of time, we forget what to do
We keep these feelings inside.
Slowly, without our permission, they remake us.

Our pain becomes normal. Our hurt colors what we see.
Years go by. . . . years go by.
There comes a time when we no longer want to live this way.
There comes a time to let go of fear and bitterness.
It is not easy.

Once betrayed, twice shy, but revenge never makes us whole again.
Bitterness and fear hold us down.
Give your forgiveness to the wind
or to the mountains or the fire
Give your forgiveness to God, however you experience God.
Give your forgiveness to those that hurt you
All people go to heaven; ultimately, it is Life that hurt us, as it gave us birth

Forgiveness does not mean we will trust again;
only time and experience restore trust.
Forgiveness is a state of being, when we're balanced again.
Forgiveness makes us whole: we can breathe again.
It helps us no longer fear the past

Justice is a burden we do not need to carry; there are angels for this
Relieved from our fear, we can see clearly again.

Forgiveness opens us to life again.
It opens us to trust another.
It allows us to love again.
Forgiveness makes us free.
There comes a time when life asks us
not only to forgive others, but ourselves.

Remember, life's rhythm is the breath inside us saying again and again,

“Breathe, live, breathe.”
Give your forgiveness to [the Universe]
You were never meant to carry that weight.
Let it go forgive breathe
The world is healed by what you do.
Live Oak is healed by what you do.
Your family is healed by what you do.
So you and I can begin again.

Amen