You Louse!

“You Louse!”

Live Oak, February 18, 2007

Rev. Kathleen Ellis

It was one Sunday while sitting behind a young 'lady' in the church, that Robert Burns noticed a head louse roaming up and down the bows and ribbons of her hat. Poor woman! Little did she know that she would, with her unknown head companion, be the subject of a poem on how we see ourselves and how we think other people see us.

The process of giving and receiving feedback is one of the most important concepts in communication. It is through receiving feedback that we implement the poet's words, "to see ourselves as others see us." It is through giving feedback that other people know how we see them.

One model to illustrate this is the Johari window, named after its developers, Joe Luft and Harry Ingram. Imagine a simple grid containing four squares on a page.

JOHARI WINDOW

Known to Self Not Known to Self Known to Others OPEN BLIND Not Known to Others HIDDEN UNKNOWN

The vertical columns represent what I know and don't know about myself. The two horizontal rows represent what others know and don't know about me.

So in the upper left, the panel contains things I know about myself and others know about me. It's called the Open Area. For example, "I am a minister" and "I am wearing a dress." I live in Clarksville with Jon Montgomery. It’s all common, public knowledge.

The box on the upper right contains information I do not know about myself but which others do know about me. It's called the Blind Spot. All of us are unaware of some aspects of our behavior, even though others can clearly see it.

For example, another person is likely to be more aware than you are of how many "ums" you say when you speak. Recently at the airport, I was just about to line up to check my bag curbside when a guy said to me, “Ma’am.” Once he had my attention, he quietly said, “You have something stuck … to your backside.” Thank you, sir, for giving me that information before I went any further.

In the lower left of the Johari Window are the Secrets—the things I know about myself—my experiences, thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. But I keep them hidden so others don't know, and I wouldn’t want them found out in a Google search. This may be information I'm afraid to share because I think I need to protect myself or because I think I won't be supported. Or it may simply be information about me that does not "belong" in a particular setting. For example, “I need to arrange the next ministers’ retreat.” or “When is my son coming home?”

In the square on the lower right, you’ll find things that no one knows about me and I don’t even know about myself. Some of this material may be deeply unconscious and thus remain forever unknown. Other material may be just below the surface of awareness and open to discovery. Dream interpretation, childhood trauma, and the source of high anxiety might go in this panel.

The process of giving and receiving feedback is a trust-based process. As members of a group develop mutual trust, we share additional information about ourselves and start to reveal our perceptions of each other. For example, a group in Georgetown is beginning to organize a new UU group. They have had just 3 meetings, not quite long enough to get to know each other very well unless they already have other connections. Conventional wisdom says groups and individuals need to meet at least 6 times to begin to gel in any real sense. Through sharing personal information, the Open Area increases in size. Blind Spots, Hidden and Unknown areas decrease in size. This happens in a couple of ways.

First, as I share more with others, information moves from my Hidden area to my Open area. This moves the horizontal line down. I can do this by disclosing relevant information about myself -- my feelings, thoughts, and reactions.

Next, as I develop a receptive attitude, I am more able to receive and use feedback from others. I learn to actively solicit feedback in a way that helps others feel comfortable giving it to me. As I do this, the vertical line moves to the right.

So you can see that the more I give feedback, the smaller my Hidden self becomes. And the more I solicit feedback, the smaller my Blind spot becomes. One side effect of this dual process is to uncover some of the material in my Unknown area. For example, you and I may both discover that I get impatient when I feel we're getting bogged down in the details.

Many of us find it very difficult to give and receive feedback because of past experiences when we were hurt by doing so. Through experience, we learn caution as we get to know new people. Some secrets are better left intact, or at least carefully divulged to a trusted individual.

Yesterday I officiated for a wedding. That’s not unusual in and of itself, but in this case, Bob and Brenda are residents, and met on the patio, of the Austin Nursing Center. He has lived there for five years, unable to walk, and she has lived there for a little over a year, living with chronic illnesses. They were strangers to each other when they met, but they’re both smokers (which is why they were on the patio), both well read, and both increasingly interested in each others’ lives.

Over time, they have shared more and more of themselves, so that blind spots and secrets take up much less room between them and they have opened themselves to one another. The families of Brenda and Bob played supportive roles in the wedding and obviously endorse their marriage. The Austin Nursing Center staff decorated their bus with ribbons, bows, and messages like “Just Married” and “The best is yet to come.” They were planning to drive the couple to a hotel for the night, then move back into the same room upon their return. When I left, a local TV station was there to interview them.

Wedding ceremonies always have the effect of reminding us of the love and trust two people have come to share. They love what they know of each other and trust what remains to be discovered. My husband and I soon will celebrate 10 years of marriage, but we continue to learn new things about each other. It’s a matter of time, mostly. It’s also a matter of trust, sometimes, when the moment seems right to explore a touchy, personal subject.

As Live Oak continues with the process of maturing our congregation, we will have more and more opportunities to disclose something about ourselves or hear something about ourselves that is getting in the way of our effectiveness. Likewise, we can keep an eye out for times when our work together would be served better by taking a risk and giving helpful feedback.

Feedback is most helpful when ……. * It describes one's own reaction, using "I," rather than "you" messages. * It is well-timed (generally at the earliest opportunity, but not in the "heat of the moment"). * It is specific, rather than general. * It is descriptive and factual, rather than judgmental. * It takes into account the needs of both the receiver and the giver. * It is requested, rather than imposed. * It is directed at behavior, rather than personality. * It is "checked out," so that both the giver and receiver know they were heard and understood correctly.

I once experienced a painful falling out with my sister Jean. When our mother died in 1996, my ex-husband called to express his condolences and to ask if it would be okay for him to come to the funeral. After all, she had been his mother-in-law for 22 years and had been a loving grandmother to our sons. I thought his request was entirely reasonable and said, “Of course you can come.”

But when I told my two sisters, one of them went ballistic. Jean was furious that he would insert himself into our family’s grief, when he had left me and treated everyone so badly. I didn’t know what she was talking about. But she let me know she had never liked him for all those years. Whoa! Did she know the same guy I married? Had she just been pretending to like him whenever we got together? Was it true that he treated her badly?

It was an astonishing moment—when I felt attacked for no apparent reason and on groundless accusations. Jean insisted that by inviting him to the funeral I was choosing him over her. My only recourse was to call him back and ask him not to come. Later on I realized that a lot of our dispute arose out of our own grief at our mother’s death. That didn’t make it right, but just a little more understandable. Family members really know how to get to us … anybody know what I mean?

Jean and I saw and experienced the world very differently from one another. It was only when she herself was dying of cancer that we began the heart to heart talks that led to a measure of reconciliation. I am forever grateful for that time.

Both of us had to recognize our own pain and discomfort in our estrangement. We had to really acknowledge to each other how we felt, without making assumptions about how the other felt. We had to come to terms with the fact that she and I had both disappointed each other, but that it was neither possible nor necessary to change or fix each other. We revealed many secrets and blind spots and got a little closer to gaining a new perspective.

I was talking to Kristin Hamlett about healthy communication, and she sent me toward a newsletter article from Pathways Church, a UU congregation in Keller, TX. In her article on healthy dialogue, Judy Cannon encourages us simply to get curious. She says,

“Curiosity allows us to transform negative judgments, soothe reactivity and learn from difficult feelings such as fear and anger. Coupled with compassion, curiosity allows us to be amused, rather than frustrated, as we confront the imperfect humanity in others and in ourselves. . . .

“Instead of regretting a past experience, be curious and ask what can you learn from it. . . .

“Remember, what you are doing, thinking and feeling makes sense in some context. For example, you may judge yourself for making a mistake. When you get curious, you may realize you learned as a child that you needed to be perfect in order to feel valuable and loved. You can decide if this is how you want to live now.

“Instead of judging the actions of others, be curious about your assumptions. You may think they are yawning in a meeting because they are bored with what you are saying. In reality, they may have been up all night with a sick child. Instead of operating on your assumption, you can check in with the other person. You can ask with an attitude of curiosity, not judgment. This may be hardest with our spouses because we assume we know what is going on with them.

In conclusion, Cannon says,

“Taking a deep breath and getting curious helps us operate from a wiser part of our brain. . . . [Ask yourself] Is this how you want to live now? What are the feelings behind the feelings? When you feel angry, be curious. You may find that underneath the anger, you are feeling hurt, afraid or ashamed. Be curious and compassionate with yourself. “Take a breath. Relax. Get curious. Be compassionate.”

We are like swimmers in a goldfish bowl, unable to see how we are all immersed in our own troubled waters. Get outside your fishbowl, if only in your imagination. Try to see yourself—as well as others—from a place of curiosity, compassion and love.

What are relationships for, anyway?

Mama taught me that if I can’t say anything nice, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Sometimes I need to give myself enough time to take a deep breath and let love guide my life.

“Oh wad some power the giftie gie us “To see oursels as ithers see us!”

Let there be more love on earth, and let it begin with us.

Amen, Shalom, and Blessed Be