Sermons: If Only
Rev. Kathleen Ellis
February 22, 2004
In ones and twos we gathered on the courthouse lawn. Reporters and TV crews
skirted the edges, looking for the right sound bite, the telling photograph. A
neat stack of handmade posters found their way into our hands and the speakers
held forth: “First comes love, then comes marriage. . . .” Across the country
this week—even at that courthouse in Bryan, TX, last Friday—couples have
politely asked for a marriage license. John and Paul, Sabrina and Lauren were
politely turned down. My Jon and I asked for a license at that same courthouse
nearly seven years ago. I felt a little nervous, a little giddy with excitement.
No one cared if we really loved each other. Nobody worried about our sex life.
They just asked for identification, about $30 in cash, and a signature in
exchange for this simple certificate. The only difference between us and the
other couples is that Jon is from that imaginary planet Mars and I am from
imaginary Venus. For the sake of the letter M and the letter F on our driver’s
licenses, along with proof of age, we were deemed worthy of recognition by the
State of Texas. John Scroggs and his partner Paul drew up 40 pages of legal
documents that give them half the benefit that marriage bestows upon my husband
and me. They bought a house together and they want to adopt children. They would
like to file joint tax returns. They want to provide for each other in case of
injury or life-threatening illness. They want to leave property to each other
and their children when death comes. Ten months ago, they celebrated their love
for each other in a commitment ceremony with friends.
One of my gay friends has been unable to find health insurance for his
partner, who has a preexisting heart condition. He is not in a job that allows
additional coverage for domestic partners even at a higher premium.
I know another gay couple in Austin who have two biological daughters born to
a surrogate mother, thanks to in vitro fertilization. The family is under strain
these days because one of the fathers is in jail for six months. He was
implicated in a white-collar crime and decided to take a plea bargain mainly to
keep his family out of the news, including the fact that he is gay.
Lauren Carpenter and Sabrina Jennings happened to meet almost two years ago
at a grocery store in San Antonio, their hometown. In August they moved to
College Station into one household. As Christians, they believe marriage is
sacred. They don’t plan to give up until they, too, have a simple certificate to
back it up.
If only our elected officials could see this desire for equal recognition as
a civil rights issue. But Representative Fred Brown of College Station, was
quoted in The Bryan-College Station Eagle saying, “I am sensitive to it, but I
certainly cannot and will not support it. I believe in the biblical sense for
marriage—one husband and one wife.” [I think he may be a little selective in his
reading of scripture.]
State Senator Steve Ogden of Bryan also is opposed to the idea and seemed
agitated by news that a rally for the issue was planned when reporter Holly
Huffman questioned him. She told him about Friday’s event. “Oh great,” he
replied sarcastically. “In Brazos County?”
The senator said he doesn’t support gay marriage and noted it is contrary to
state law. Ogden said, “I think this is more of a publicity stunt than an issue
in Texas. Texas overwhelmingly supports the idea that marriage is between a man
and a woman — that’s what state law says.”
Brown and Ogden are right about civil marriage. Governments have always
regulated who may enter into a marriage and under what conditions. These
conditions have changed dramatically over time as women and men slowly achieve a
closer approximation to equality. We enjoy more flexibility about how we earn
money or care for the children.
A religious ceremony is regulated by the faith community. Some clergy will
not marry people who were divorced, or people of different faiths, even though
these same people can have a civil marriage. Religious ceremonies do not give
any couple legal rights or responsibilities. In many countries these are
separate ceremonies altogether.
Two hundred years ago people argued over the rights of slaves to marry, that
it would destroy marriage as we knew it. Just thirty years ago people used the
same argument over the rights of racial intermarriage. The rights were granted,
and marriage has survived the days of Ozzie and Harriet into its contemporary
form. However, the argument has not gone away. E.J. Graff poses a series of
questions in her book What Is Marriage For?
“Why do so many same-sex couples suddenly feel we can make a public claim to
[the institution of marriage]? . . . The answer is also the answer to many other
questions, such as, // Why are so many of my cohorts cohabiting rather than
registering with the state? // Why are so many people divorcing and remarrying
rather than putting up with relationships that chafe them raw? // Why do wives
no longer take second-class status for granted but argue for full equality? //
Why is contraception—so recently considered immoral, illegal, and
unmentionable—almost universally accepted now just as rates of adoption and IVF-assisted
births are skyrocketing?”
Many gay and lesbian couples have taken up the responsibilities of a marriage
covenant. Many of them want the legal rights to support this choice. They do not
threaten the institution of marriage.
The real threat to marriage lies in society and in human nature itself. The
grinding poverty in some families contrast with the compulsive acquisition of
material possessions in other families and yet they both exert enormous pressure
on the integrity of marriage. There’s the easy availability of drugs and booze,
pills and porn; the possibility of catastrophic illness or accident; the
expectation for workers to fill the gap left by layoffs; the necessity for
people to work two and three jobs and farm their children out to makeshift child
care; the relentless search by laid off employees to find any kind of job to
keep their families off the street—it’s a wonder any marriage can survive all
that, and many don’t.
Marriage also faces the old Mars vs. Venus dilemma. I don’t imagine that
applies only to men and women in relationship. Any two people who try to join
their lives bring separate identities and understanding about the meaning of
marriage and family. That’s never easy for straight or gay couples. First comes
love, then comes marriage—a covenant developed from deep mutual respect,
faithful intention, and a lot of determination. I have personally loved and
lost, and the disappointment from that has become a part of me. But I have lived
to love again, both in a marriage relationship, with my adult children, and
through multiple friendships.
Some of us have rolled our eyes when President Bush proposed spending
millions of dollars to support marriage, even in the face of so many other
pressing needs. But we both have an agenda: If only Bush would expand his
definition of marriage to include same-sex couples. If only we could be so
supportive of marriage as an institution. Then perhaps we could all see more
clearly that we do have some common values. In the spiritual sung so beautifully
by our choir this morning, we call upon God to “Guide my feet while I run this
race. Hold my hand while I run this race. Stand by me while I run this race.
Search my heart while I run this race, for I don’t want to run this race in
vain!” I have been blessed by people who stood by me while I ran, and by people
who held my hand when I fell. Every encounter has taught me how to love.
Essentially, through love we become a part of one another. Our joy and sorrow,
kindness and care lead to transformation. When my friend Lois Kruger died, her
three grandchildren spoke at the memorial service and each one began by saying,
“I was Grandma’s favorite grandchild.” Somehow Lois had made each of them feel
special and unique. One of the three went on to say that at one time she had
really messed up her life. Lois took her aside and said something like this:
“Laurie, I want you to understand something. You were born with my love for you.
No matter what you do you can’t destroy that. You can be in prison and on death
row and I will visit you and love you. Never forget.” And for Laurie, that love
meant everything. She was transformed and ultimately able to pass along the
blessing from her grandmother to the rest of the waiting world.
Another of the granddaughters is gay. She was very nervous the first time she
brought her lover to a family gathering, but Lois greeted them both with open
arms. “Welcome to the family,” she said with a big smile, and the anxiety melted
away. Ours is not to question the love between two people: grandmother and
granddaughter; husband and wife; husband and husband; wife and wife. Ours is to
love and learn from relationships all around us. Ours is to stand with our
brothers and sisters who strive with mutual respect, intention, and
determination to love one another.
Love yourself.
Love each other.
Pass it on.
Amen
Copyright
©2006, Live Oak Unitarian Universalist Church.